My Miscarriage

WY1_0364 small

They say all feelings have a beginning, a middle, and an end.  

The truth is that I’m still in the middle part, but I felt like it was time to share this story with you – not just for me, but for all women who have faced this and for all women who have made a plan and then watched as the plan changed.

Two weeks ago today, I had a miscarriage.

The pregnancy was a little bit of a surprise.  We’d been talking about it, but we weren’t “trying”.  [Sidenote: I got off the birth control pill years ago when I quit drinking alcohol – best decision of my life but that’s another story.]

Over the years, I really learned my body and I’d been able to sync up with my cycle – except for this one time a few months ago when I miscounted the days.  Whoops.

I took a pregnancy test. Two lines. I took 3 more pregnancies tests. All 4 said the same thing: two lines = pregnant.  

Were we excited?  Were we scared?  Do we celebrate?  Did we just mess up our entire lives?  Do we move?  Do I cancel my work trips in the Fall?

All the plans.  All the feelings.  All at once.
But the excitement was incredible – We made a baby!

I started telling the women closest to me.
My husband started calling and checking in more than normal.
We were preparing in our own way.

I was early.
Only 8 weeks.
And I was eager to tell my family in person because I just so happened to have a trip already planned to see them.

Before boarding the plane a few weeks ago, I called a close friend and told her that I was starting to feel attached to the little creation growing inside of me and that I was scared I would lose it. Part of me already knew. It had likely stopped growing the day before.

She said something I’ll never forget:

“Julie, no matter what happens, you’ll be okay.”

She was right.  She’s always right.

A week later, when I started spotting, I was in my mother’s bathroom in Louisiana.  I’d just told her the news the night before. I immediately called that same friend, then my husband, then the doctor.  Tears and more tears.  I knew what was happening.

Emergency ultrasound.

My sister (my closest friend and a nurse) moved into action, told me what to do, and pulled all the strings for my appointment.
My mother sat on the couch with me, held my hands, cradled my face, and prayed with me.
My father rushed to my side with fierce strength and held back his tears with loving tenderness.

My husband, thousands of miles away, held strong – mentally and emotionally – and kept telling me that everything would be okay. One step at a time.  Always, grounding and anchoring me.

They were all strong for me, which allowed me to be soft.

The ultrasound showed no heartbeat and a tiny little thing measuring only 6 weeks.  It wasn’t time.

I walked out of the doctor’s office and paused at the door before meeting my parents on the other side.  I cried and held my womb and cried.  I cried for the loss of the plans we’d made.  I cried for the loss of what could have been our baby.  I cried for myself, for my husband, for our family, and for all the women who have been initiated into this phase of life.  I cried.


My parents rose to their feet the moment they saw me.  We stepped into the hallway so I could tell them the news without disturbing the pregnant women waiting for their appointments.  I told them what I saw and what I knew.  I cried and they cried.  My mom cried for her baby and her baby’s baby. My dad cried for his little girl.  My sister called 14 times waiting for the news.  My husband remained peaceful, hopeful, and calm on the other end of the phone.

They were steady in the midst of my storm.

That was two weeks ago today and I’ve since stopped bleeding.

My body released everything naturally.  It was intense and beautiful.  My hormones are beginning to regulate.  My heart is starting to heal.

I say this again and again in the work I do, but I believe it to be truer now more than ever….

In order to be fully alive, we must feel it all.  

My heart was torn open into a hundred piece 2 weeks ago – but not just because I was sad.  It was torn open as I learned to FEEL even MORE.

My heart held grief and love in a way that I never knew could co-exist.  To witness the miracle of my body, the beauty of being a woman, and the strength and resilience of my spirit blew me away.

I am different.

Clear. Focused. Fierce. Tender.

I am more me than I’ve ever been.

A new rite of passage.  A new opportunity to deepen within myself.

In many ways this little spirit baby birthed me.  I am no longer the same.

Life isn’t meant to be easy, or perfect, or happy all the time. Life is meant to confront us. It will get in our face and push our boundaries and stretch our limits.

Life doesn’t do this to be cruel. It does this to remind us of our strength and bring us closer to our spirit.

In the midst of grieving in a way I’ve never done before, I feel stronger than I ever have before. It’s such a weird paradox.

That’s the beauty of life.

With every twist and tug and pull…
With every heartache and break…

Life is making us all. Making and molding and polishing our soul – so that we may one day shine even brighter.

This is life.

I continue to welcome ALL of life – the heartbreak and hope, the pain and the joy, the smiles and the tears. There is room for it all.

Above all things, I trust more than ever before than Life is completely and utterly holding me.  I don’t have to do a thing. Life has got me and if it’s not this, it will be something else because that’s the way Life works.

I feel a deep sense of peace and openness as I finish this note to you.

My heart feels full. Full from love. Full from pain. Full from Life.  
And that is a beautiful gift.

Thank you for reading.

May my experience touch yours in some way.

with deep love,

Julie

 

 


P.S. I want to be super clear that I have been through every range of emotion these past 2 weeks.  While I happened to write this email to you from a more “zen” place, I have also experienced deep sadness, rage, anger, confusion, doubt, loneliness, and disorientation.  The truth is that the feelings come and go in waves and I will continue to meet myself with love and kindness throughout this process. I believe we must give ourselves permission to FEEL our feelings first, and then look for the good.

P.P.S.  One of the reasons I decided to share a very little bit about my journey with you is because I think it’s important that we, as women, talk about what’s real.  Miscarriage is something that is unique to every woman but touches us all in some way.  1 in 4 or 5 women goes through a miscarriage, so my intention in sharing (like always) is to be real and destigmatize things we don’t normally talk about.

If you want to share your miscarriage story or share your thoughts and love, please do so in the comments below.  

Also – if you know of another woman who may like to read these words, please forward her the link to this blog.  You can also share on social media by using the “Share” button at the top right of this blog post.

 

 

 

Like this? Sign up for updates from my heart to yours!

Comments

  1. Sorry to hear this news. Just wanted to say that husband’s feel it also. Love and support to both of you.

  2. So sorry love to hear this. Your love & bravery moved me. In my deepest relationships, dreams have always helped me to heal. When a loved one passes, I write a letter to them bearing my soul & saying all I need/want to share. Inevitably, I have a dream & we connect somehow & say good bye – it is the most realest, truest experiences for me. I wish you healing dreams, thank you for sharing, bless you & your family, warm hug.

    • I feel that so deeply too Auset. Thank you for sharing this tool with me. I am deep believer in the power of the dream/mediation space to heal. xo

  3. Anita Brightman says:

    Julie,

    I had just pulled my affirmation card today, “I am strong. I am brave.” when I saw your message. You are both of those things. Thank you for sharing your story. So many women share this experience and our collective sorrow. I’m sorry.

  4. Marilda says:

    Dear Julie, “been there, seen/felt/experienced that”. You’re right, feelings come and go but, as they say, ‘bad things don’t last forever’ and you, better than any of us, are able to look through these cloudy moments and see the light. The bright side: you know you can conceive; that life project was not ready to become a full human being, yet. We’re all with you. Lots of love.

    • I love this message Marilda! Thank you for sharing your love and wisdom. I feel you and am grateful.

  5. Julie, I’m sorry for your loss and inspired by your journey and sharing your story. In the past few days, there have been so many things that has come up, reminding me of the physical trauma my body has experienced, that I haven’t really thought about. I too have had a miscarriage, and at that time I had hidden my feelings from everyone except my husband. Till this day, only me and my husband even knows about it. I had cried for weeks when I felt this loss, but never spoke out about it until today. The night before I had miscarried, I had a dream, angels were speaking to me to let go and trust, let go and trust. It was a difficult time and was able to heal. Later I did have another child, and he is now a teen, and is my spiritual teacher in so many ways. thank you for sharing your story, and allowing me to share mine. Much love and peace to you.

    • Wow Stacey. This is such a beautiful share. Thank you for taking the time and for trusting to write this here. I honor your journey – as you feel and heal all the things your beautiful body has experience. Thank you.

  6. Jennifer says:

    Julie, I am so deeply sorry. Thank you for sharing. As many, I too had a miscarriage several years ago. I already had my two boys, and we were not planning for a third. I was only a few weeks along when it happened. Even though a third baby was never in the plan, I mourned very deeply for months at the baby that would never be. I felt selfish for my sadness because I already had children, so many never have that blessing. Nonetheless, I felt it. I still feel it. When my sister in law announced that she was pregnant a couple of months later with her third child, I felt it even more. 10 years later, only a couple of friends and my husband know. I did not want to seem selfish and I certainly did not want to take away from my sister in law’s joy. I’ve learned over time that sharing is the only way to truly heal. I wish I had been more open and honest for myself and for others. Thank you for sharing. When we share, we give others permission to do the same. ♡ Much love to you.

    • Of course you felt it and still feel it, Jennifer. I hear and feel you so deeply. Thank you for sharing this here and allowing me to witness you. I, too, believe that we feel it to heal it AND that being witnessed by others is a key part to our healing. Thank you for sharing, love. Sending YOU so much love.

  7. loss is experienced by all of us in so many ways, your willingness to be open and authentic touches the core of my existence and what it is to be alive!wishing you and your family enormous strength,love,resolve,and most importantly gratitude for the life purpose you have chosen to inspire and support others in their life endeavors!

    • Thank you so much sweet Curt for this absolutely beautiful note. My heart is full reading your words. xo

  8. What a beautiful outpouring Julie. I too cried for your baby. Thank you for reaching out to meet us with your heart, exactly where you are and for allowing me to feel more deeply in compassion for others battling loss privately and who may be hiding in feelings of shame or guilt. Sending love and healing prayers to you and my sisterhood.

  9. I am so sorry for your loss Julie. I’ve been right were you are. I miscarried at 8 weeks and felt every emotion you described. It was to be my first child and of course, that created a level of fear that took so long for me to accept. Today, we often think of the child. My daughters (ages 11 and 8) became a part of the story and agreed to name their sibling. They chose the name Dylan. Dylan, though unknown in gender, will forever be a part of our lives.

    The pain will eventually subside. Praying for you and the family!

    • Wow Teia…I had chills reading your beautiful post. Thank you for sharing this with me…what an amazing experience for you to share with your daughters. You’re such an incredible mama…I can feel that.

      And thank you deeply for the prayers. xo

    • That’s beautiful Teia.

      …We lost our first too. I felt so many emotions, and such deep loss. For the future that might have been. Like you, we didn’t know our baby’s gender. But we still talk about Phoebe now, at times.

      Two things that I really gained from the experience were a re-connection with my instincts/intuition. I knew Phoebe was no longer thriving before anyone else could have. That was a gift in itself. Secondly, I knew beyond any shadow of a doubt I wanted to be a mum! No more ambiguity. But I didn’t feel ready and I didn’t know when I would…

      I remember noticing pregnant bumps everywhere. And each one reminded me of my invisible, largely secret pain.

      Then, one morning, early in the year – I will never forget the day – I woke up, and felt intense joy in my heart once again. My heart and soul was healed. And I was ready to try again.

      My gorgeous children are now 10 and 6, and they would have loved their older sibling to be here with us – Hal doesn’t always like having all the responsibility of being the oldest sibling. And Hannah dreams of having a big sister 😉 I told them about it because although they are young, it is a relatively common experience that may effect one of them one day.

      Death and ‘loss’ is an area we mostly avoid. We don’t know what to say. We don’t know what to do. And so we don’t.

      Grief is an alone-road. No two experiences of grief are the same. But it does not have to be a lonely road. Just someone walking alongside you is all you need. No words. No answers. For you will discover your own.

      I always believe that whatever your experiences or sadnesses, they are there to help you connect more than ever to our fellow human beings, and to life itself. To discover love and find compassion. From the heart. From your truth.

  10. Julie,

    Thank you for being open. I to have walked this journey and felt at the time as though I was to keep quite. I since have shared and so many need to know it is ok to talk and mourn. The baby inside you was yours appointed to you for a reason by God.

    • May we continue to SPEAK out and talk and mourn and feel it all – together as women. Thank you for your love and wisdom 😉

  11. Dear Julie,
    Thank you so much for sharing. Your story touched me on a deep level and I am sending you strength, sisterly love, and blessings. Your story brought me to tears and then to a huge release of emotion. I have health issues and have started to try to come to a place of peace around the fact that I may never conceive. This breaks my heart because I have dreamed of being a mother ever since I was a little girl. Thank you again for your story, which allowed me to connect to my emotions on a deeper level.
    Lots of love,
    Sarah

    • Oh Sarah…my heart feels yours so deeply. Thank you for meeting me here in this tender place and allowing yourself to feel the feelings (sadness, fear, grief, etc). I deeply trust (for us both) that if having children are a part of the plan, we will do so! And if it’s not part of the plan, then there will be an even more amazing plan that we just can’t see yet. Take it or leave it – but that’s the way I like to see it 😉

      Sending you deep tender love.
      Julie

  12. Julie – Thank you for sharing this. I think it will help so many women who have had to endure that kind of pain, or maybe are enduring it now. Your friend is right, no matter what, you are going to be okay. My wish for you is that you will one day experience all of motherhood, not just the first few weeks of it because I think you have a lot to pass on to a little one. I had my daughter when I was close to 40 because that’s when the time was right for her to come into my life. You are a gift to this world.

    • Thank you for your love sweet Jen and for sharing your experience with your daughter. I fully agree that these little souls come in at the exact right time and I’m so grateful you shared this with me 😉 Sending you love and gratitude!

  13. I am sorry for your loss and just blown away by the beauty of your strength and transformation. While I have not experienced loss in the way of a miscarriage I can relate to the process of grief and loss. It is a roller coaster of emotions and some days are easier than others, but what I truly admire and strive for in your journey is that “idea” of being loving to myself. I struggle with that self-love the most and logically I understand I need to be kind to myself, but sadly it does not come easily to me. I appreciate you sharing this intimate and painful experience, but I am especially grateful for your resilience. You give me hope. I wish you peace and am sending you and your family positive thoughts.

    • Thank you sweet Erica. And you know what – learning to being loving to myself has been a PRACTICE for me, one that I do imperfectly. Most women weren’t taught to love or care for themselves. We were taught to take care of everyone else and put ourselves at the bottom of the list. So, re-learning a new way isnt easy. We simply must practice over and over again 😉 Loving you!

  14. Dana Costarelli says:

    Dear Julie, Thank you for sharing you most intimate parts of you, your soul, your family and this circle of life. What a great support system you have and being held in this way. You will feel a lot of emotions, you will change your thoughts about life, you will walk maybe the same or different path. The fact is you are feeling and moving forward. We don’t know where our journey takes us. We have to embrace all the moments.

    Just to share briefly with you and others, yes I did experience (1) miscarriage and it was a rainbow of emotions and colors.
    I also had a great support system. Just know we are here and hold you in our hearts and hands. This is time for you to heal physically, emotionally and mentally. Wishing you grace, love, joy, peace, comfort and (HUGS).

    Blessings to you and your husband and family,

    Dana Costarelli / from Long Island

    PS – You can always call me for a 30 min conversation… I will just listen.

    • So beautifully said Dana “We dont know where our journey takes us. We have to embrace all the moments.” Such golden wisdom in that..thank you for sharing ti with me.

      And thank you for sharing your tender experience as well. We are all in this together.

      Sending you deep love,
      Julie

  15. Sending you so much love dear Julie, and holding space for you as you travel this part of your life path.
    I have lost pregnancies myself, and although I didn’t know it at the time….I too grew and evolved and those experiences prepared me for what the Universe had planned for me.
    I am a Labour and Delivery RN; and have also travelled this path of loss and grief as a caregiver with many women and their partners….an incredible honour and sacred responsibility.
    Like you, I am so grateful for it all….and I felt ALL the feels along the way. I am blessed and grateful and I welcome them all, and honour their part in my journey.
    Again….much love to you, sister ❤??✨

    • Oh Trene….thank you for your outpouring of love in this post. I can feel it. And, yes, you have indeed been given a “sacred responsibility”, one that I know your heart and soul were born for.

      May we continue to feel ALL the feels and become all the wiser and stronger for them.

      Loving you and grateful,
      Julie

  16. I feel your pain and love in your beautiful words, Julia. Thank you for sharing your brave heart and beautiful spirit ❤️

  17. So sorry for your loss, Julie! Hugs:)

  18. So sorry for your miscarriage, dear Julie. I feel your emotions. It’s hard and your sharing if this was amazing. I had two. When I had labor to give birth to my 1st baby it was still in the early fetus stage. I passed “it” in such a clean form it made me sad to see it curled up in its fetal position. Another time I went through in vitro, sticking myself with hormones for two years because my second husband wanted a baby. When I finally had a viable egg, he did a one eighty on me and said he didn’t want a child. I was heart broken of course, but mostly because when I went to the clinic they told me I had 3 eggs and in the second day they said they were all dead. I asked for one more day and I had a talk with my deceased brother that night. I told him he could come back. The next day one of my three dead eggs had started to grow again. The Dr said he would harvest it even though it was just one egg. Then I made my husband give me the sperm. It worked. I had a baby growing inside me. That’s when my husband said no I don’t want a baby. I miscarried right away. 🙁

    • Oh love…thank you for sharing your journey here with us. It sounds like you are deeply connected to Life in so many ways. May you continue to nurture yourself with tenderness. I’m sending you hugs and love. xo, Julie

  19. Hugs to you Julie! I will never forget your tear filled face after we shared our loss story at Soul Camp. I was a little shell shocked from the reactions and just the adrenaline of public speaking and you hugged me a good long time. I’m glad you too have shared your story as there are so many who can identify with loss. One thing my son taught me in his short life is how much I wanted to be a mama. I’m 19 weeks along with our rainbow baby and every day feels like a major gift to me. ❤️

    • Oh Kim…you, your sweet husband and your son broke my heart open that night. I saw in you a woman who was fierce, strong, tender, and so beautiful with the most open heart. Really truly really – you were born to be a mama 😉

      I am SO happy that your rainbow baby is on its way to you. I am covering you with LOVE and sweetness during this journey. May you feel safe and held.

      I love you sister.
      Julie

  20. Julie I am so so sorry for your miscarriage and the heartbreak you have gone through.At the same time I am in awe at your strength tenderness and love for your self and others . Sharing this intimate and painful time in your life with such grace and dignity always the teacher showing us leading us teaching us what life is.The tone of this note is so heartfelt and beautiful .. filled with love and understanding . I am so great full and honoured to be a part of your inner circle.Sending you healing prayers for you and your amazing family and believing that ” you will be ok”.. Holding you close with much love

    • Oh Chris…thank you for your loving and kind reflection. I feel you deeply. Thank you for your prayers and love. xo, Julie

  21. Ann Keenan says:

    Julie, thank you for sharing your very sad story. My heart goes out to you, even though I have never been through what you have experienced. I cannot imagine the grief that you, your husband and family have been going through. You are such a strong woman, and in time, you will heal and start to feel a little better about the world. I prayer that there will be a baby in your future, as children as such a gift. My life would not be complete without my children, even though they are now adults. I would not change any decisions I made to have children, as without them would be to be without me…if that makes sense. Sending love across the oceans to you Julie…you inspire me in so many ways!

    • Ann – that makes such perfect sense and I’m so glad you shared the power of your motherhood experience here. Thank you for your love across the ocean, my friend. xo, Julie

  22. Julie,
    Wish I could reach out and envelope you in my arms…. I too, have been in your shoes, as many of this noted above..2 miscarriages, then blessed with 2 wonderful children.
    Will keep you and your family in my prayers, surrounding you in light and love.
    Please give yourself permission to grieve and heal.
    ???

    • Iris – I so feel your hug 😉 Thank you for your love and wisdom. Celebrating your beautiful 2 children and grateful for the reminder that everything is always going to be okay 😉 XO

  23. Julie….that little soul imprinted a love on your heart YOU will never forget! I am so sorry for your loss; your husband’s loss; your family’s loss. Sending you all healing light and love; lifting you in prayer, knowing you will feel its deep peace. A little angel will always be with you; a new found love! oxoxox <3

    • Thank you for these words Janet. I love the vision of the little soul imprinting love on my heart. That feels so true. Thank you for your encouragement and sweet love. I can feel the angels all around me through this post 😉 XO

  24. Oh Julie, I am so sorry for your loss and deep pain. I do understand as I went through this myself…twice before finally carrying two beautiful boys to full term, and again after. We had wanted a child so much. Losing two and then a scare with the next was so painful. My heart is reaching out to you and enveloping you with love and blessings. Thank you for sharing your honest emotions. You are showing us that the only way to move forward is to allow your emotions to be raw and real. You are a beautiful soul. Blessings, love and healing energy??

    • Thank you sweet Karen – for sharing your experience and sharing your hope. I feel your love and appreciate your loving reflection. Thank you love. xo, Julie

  25. Liz Linford says:

    Thank you so much for sharing your story, Julie!

  26. Dear Julie:

    Sending you lots of Love, Light and hug your way. Keeping you in prayers.

  27. Loving you back Jamie 😉

Speak Your Mind

*

SIMILAR POSTS

HOW TO SAY ‘NO’ NICELY.

“A ‘no’ uttered from the deepest conviction is better than a ‘yes’ merely uttered to please, or what is worse, to avoid trouble.” -Gandhi  Before I tell you all about learning to say ‘no’, just take a second to re-read the quote above because Gandhi nailed it. This past weekend I was in Charleston, South Carolina celebrating an amazing girlfriend who is getting married next month. I was there withread more

The dirty little “ P” word that is destroying your dreams

A lot of disappointed people have been left standing on the street corner waiting for the bus marked “Perfection.” –Donald Kennedy I love this quote so much because as a recovering perfectionist myself, and working with tons and tons of women who are all waiting on things to be perfect, I think it speaks so much to the struggle so many of us face. We want things to be awesomeread more